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blah... guys suck... lol I wish there was a category called "bitching"... lol I would use that shit all the damn time... lol

they constantly confuse me... thus I have no clue what to expect...
I have no clue if they are being truthful... or if they are just using me...

granted mutual using is okay... lol but not okay if I have told the guy straight up that I have done that too much in the past and do not want to repeat it again... guhhhh... I don’t even know right now... I am just not a happy camper to say the least..


p.s. I know guys don’t care or more importantly that guys don’t know that girls care... but if you say you’re gonna call... then f-ing call... if you aren’t... don’t say you are...







"I’m about to lose control
I, I don’t know why
Why you need some reason to feel lost inside
You, you know that I’m alright
You know that I’m just the kind of girl that feels so hurt and smiles..."
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ok so it's been forever since I have updated this thing... but I guess it is time... Currently I can't sleep. I have to be at work at 5:30am for black Friday from hell... But at least I will be done at 2... I don't know what's going on... Well to start off... I have yet to have a thanksgiving... I have yet to have my mashed potatoes, stuffing, turkey, green bean casserole, corn, pumpkin pie, etc. And that's really sad bc thanksgiving food is like my favorite food of all time... but I mean I guess its good be I would be a very fat person if I ate it all the time... lol well anyways my thanksgiving break hasn't been that great and its stressing me out far too much...
Well regardless... I am at my apt right now, but I should be at home... why am I not you ask... well we were temporarily evacuated... bc of carbon monoxide... basically we think our gas furnace thingie has a crack in it, and who knows how long we've been ingesting fumes... so we had the gas people and the fire dept come to our house to tell us we had a reading of like 33, and technically its bad at 10... so that was fun...
pt. 2 about my not so thankfulness during thanksgiving is about medical insurance... I know it sounds weird, but even at 22 its a big thing for me... I'm sure they will throw a party whenever I am no longer a dependent of my dad... but it seriously sucks... I mean since freshman year when i got mono, bronchitis, and strap throat, my immune system has been shot to hell... thus I catch everything anyone in Lexington gets... thus I have lots of doctors visits... I am the most accident prone person ever, and have injury's all over, and many more doctors visits... Third I'm adhd, like really bad adhd... and then I have seizure medication, and sleeping pills (b/c of the adhd)... basically to sum it all up... without insurance my prescription meds alone would cost over 800 dollars a month.
Thing is, one of the reasons I went directly to grad school out of college, was b/c I couldn't afford to lose my medical insurance... Well I just got a rude awakening...turns out insurance stops the year you turn 24... well lucky for me that year will be 2008... December 27th to be exact, 4 days before the year 2009... so basically being born four days sooner, screws me out of a year of medical insurance... I will have six months of insurance in grad school... and this will run out Jan 1, 2008.
This is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard... How do they expect people to finish higher education, while obtaining a full time job to get insurance with? Why are they punishing someone who has struggled her whole life through school to get where she is now, and the medication she is taking is helping her accomplish her goals? I'm sure there are many people this doesn't affect as severely as me, I'm sure many are lucky to have January birthdays, or lucky to not need the amount of medications I do. I don't take medications bc I want to, I take them bc I have to. I take them to put me on the same level playing field as everyone else. Even with my medications, I have to work twice as hard to do the same thing as someone else. I don't know the meaning of give up, I know the meaning of hard work, and I feel like I am not being rewarded for it. I feel like I am being stomped on at every opportunity someone can stomp on me. People don't understand what it's like. I know so many people who seem like the luckiest people on earth, opportunities just seem to fall in their laps. Why them? What have they done that is so damn special?
I don’t even expect this luck to fall on me, I just would like to not be the one shat on every so often. I would like to been equal with everyone else, and not constantly fighting her way upstream, when everyone else has motorboat to take him or her to his or her goal. I know and have came to accept that life isn’t fair, and have worked very hard to make my own luck, but there is only so much I can do, and when every turn I make pushes me back down, its hard to keep getting up.


**this is not an attempt to get sympathy... merely one of my rants**
 
 
 
 
 
 
ok well it is now christmas break and it is less than 24 hours untill my birthday... that is the date i turn 21... oh dear god hide the alcohol... lol jk i know how to handle the alcohol... i know how to handle it quite well... but yes i am having celebrations on the 27th at 5:30pm at the Hamburg Applebees in Lexington... i can't wait... yay its kinda surreal... but yeah i just wish school would be here... weird to wish but yeah i know... well here is a quick update...

i am no longer going to australia...but i am not going to go into the reasoning for that right now... but reguardless it was a decision that needed to be made and i am happy with it currently... i can't wait untill next semester... and yeah me and the roomie are going to live it up... its grand stuff... really GRAND... and for once i'm not being sarcastic...

i'm still in a state of perpetual confusion...and that boy i was talking about is not helping matters... i guess we will see where things are when we get back to school... b/c i dunno... we could hurt each other very easily... and it kinda sucks that we are both such little kids about everything... but reguardless... yeah confusion is still present...

confusion i guess is kinda over with the other boy... i have accepted the fact that he will never do what is right for him... stupid ass bitch girlfriend will continue to pollute his life and there's not a damn thing i can do about it... but he still knows how to hurt me and does so without intention... the worst part is... i always break down in front of him... damn me... i need to stop being such a damn girl... guh...

thats all for now i guess...its weird when home takes on a new meaning for you... i mean i love being in berea with my mom and always will consider it home... but at the same time i feel as though my new home is at transy... lol i kinda feel like dorthy right now...where are my damn red slippers... **there's no place like home... there's no place like home**

i may not have toto to talk to about my worries... but i have tito the frog...lol the names close enough it works...

i am ready to go back...
 
 
 
 
 
 
ok well its thanksgiving break and i haven't updated in like ever... so i figured i would... well i am incredibly bored, and i miss transy... yeah i’ve only been gone like a day... lol and that's weird b/c in like a month and a half(or less) i will be in australia... away from everyone for like 4 months... and it kinda scares me... a lot... i mean i am loving school this year... well not the classes and the abundance of work... but everything else is awesome...
there has been way too much drama for my liking... grrr... i'm not even involved in all of it, but somehow i get pulled into it... stupid girls lol... but yeah i've been partying a lot... and showing people another side of me that involves the wildness known as me... the truth is, lol, i have always been wild, but no one at transy has seen my drunken moments... lol its quite amusing actually... but yeah... maybe i’m getting too old for it all...
i am known as the "bad girl"... i;m the best friend... the one that no one considers dating b;.c i’m “too good of a friend” or they happen to love the girl that everyone loves... the one that seems to get everything...
but then again... for those that are interested... . i'm the one that always gets away... i'm the girl that hurts people before they can hurt me... I don't get attached... i don't let myself... but when it all comes down to it... i'm alone... maybe its better to be hurt and have had someone, than had no one worthwhile... guh i'm ranting and perpetually confused...
everyone thinks they know me, but actually i’m not who everyone thinks i am... heck i don't think i'm even who I think i am right now... but yeah anyways... for the first time in my life... i want to change... i want to be wanted... i want to have feelings for someone and them actually continue and be mutual... i want to love... eek that word scares me... but i guess that's what taking risks is all about... or as my roommate would say, i need to evaluate the potential gains against the potential losses...
if only... i could commit for once...
and not fall for my best friends... b/c we see where that has gotten me... but yeah...
i kinda like this one guy and i know he likes me... but i don't really know what to do about it...
i mean it feels like we fit... and im sure that sounds really weird... but its the best way to explain it... he’s not my normal type... but maybe that's what i need b/c i don't think my normal type has been working... oddly enough we seem to have a lot in common... and it creeps me out... but yeah i guess i am worrying for nothing... i mean i will be gone 4 months... i’m sure someone else will be in the picture for him by then... grrrr...
i’m confused... i’m ranting... and i’m not necessarily asking for help... just venting for once...
 
 
 
 
 
 
guess its time to post again... i am quite bored and i just sat and read all my posts since i started... some are quite detailed and could be a book... haha recently i have been slacking, only posting when i get drunk and excitingness happens... lol hmm maybe i should change that i mean it is fun to look back and read stuff...

well lets see what all has happened... me, michelle, jen, and poco all went to atlanta ga for warped tour... we stayed with her friends family who were so cute... we went to warped and it was soo f-ing fun i got to see the academy is and i won a skateboard and some other stuff.. lol random but cool... lol
i went to chicago with my fam... it was fun times... lol i laughed a lot, and shopped... but nothing too big or exciting happened...
well i'm back in berea now and im being a slacker and an internet dork...
everyone left for school and i am still sitting at home... i leave tuesday and i dont start classes till the sixth... its kinda crazy... im not used to this... last year this time i wanted summer to stay... i didnt wanna go back... this may i didnt wanna leave and now i still wanna go back... i mean i love jen and them, and i will see jen lots, and will be at concerts up there... its just weird... lol
i mean i am super excited about going back to see people but i dont know if i am ready to start back in classes... i dont think i have ever wanted to be back more... but yeah i miss jen and poco and them.. and yeah this weekend me and jen will be partying it up... haha aka finding hot boys... lol if anyone has any ideas let me know... well i guess that is all for now, i am gonna try to update more, although i dont think there is any interest in reading about me making teeshirts, listening to music, or talking on the phone... i mean im not that entertaining... haha

but yeah its crazy to think that in like 4 months i will be in austrailia... eek... crazy stuff... u all better prepare urselves...i know it will be hard... but yeah i better be who u are thinking about... lol

<3
 
 
 
 
 
 
guess it is time for a new update... well jen had another party and it was f-ing insane... lol lots of random people were there... but i met my bff's... lol yep thats right JP and Samba... i love those boys... although i did lose track of them and it was sad... i found out they were hiding in the woods...

well i might need to explain why they were hiding in the woods... or why i was hiding upstairs or why myles was hiding under jens bed... well lets just say the party got a little out of hand... and needless to say the cops showed up and someone got arrested... and lets just say i was supposet to be out there with them but my ADHD prevented that b/c i got distracted... lol but yeah i had some fun... went a bit crazy again... damn i need to stop being a little slut... lol jk jk...

awe the harrodsburg boys came... austin, nick, jordan, myles, sean, and logan... sarah came too... damn i love that girl... she ran across the pool area and jumped on me... i saw a lot of other random people there and it was pretty cool... i was pretty drunk... i didnt get naked... although somehow i always end up in a bikini... lol

awe our bffe's came... chris and john... awe yay i wish we got to hang out with them more... i met johns gf and she is a sweety... awe brandon came as well as other london boys and it was love... those kids are my favorite... hehe i better see them again soon... and they better f-ing visit me when they come to lexington shows... hehe

but yeah i wound up hiding upstairs with cass and others... other people ran into the woods... and others were questioned by the po po... i am glad i wasnt one of them... they came into the house to search it and found myles under a bed... lol im just glad they didnt go upstairs... well there were a bunch of highschoolers there which made me feel soo f-ing old... lol oh wait i am soo f-ing old...

but yeah i have officially decided that i have new best friends and we are going to hang out all the time when i go back to lexington... b/c i am in love... lol i <3 u boys...




however it sucked that i woke up the next morning feeling like the last time the harrodsburg boys were here... yeah needless to say i called in sick to work... i only have 2 days of work left.. and i dont go back to work till friday... its soo crazy that the summer is almost over... i can't wait to go back to school... i miss everyone and hopefully i will have new boys to hang out with... hehe... but yes untill then i will be here untill like sept first... f-ing call me bitches so we can hang out... lol 859 806 1782

<3
 
 
 
 
 
 
oh my how i love people who talk about me behind my back... it really is fucking mature... lol I mean honestly... its fucking berea, do you seriously believe that I won't find out?? Or are you hoping I will so you don't have to actually face up to me?? Well one way you are being naive, and the other way you are a immature breed of coward... lol take your pick... I don't need this fucking high school drama... I'm not in highschool and now neither are you... grow up...

**its no surprise that you want a new boyfriend... you constantly need to be with someone, you are far too dependent on the presence of others to be happy... you need that reoccurring security and reassurance which is not f-ing healthy... deal with your own life before you start making comments about mine... *

oh and by the way... in response to my last post and shit you've said... my oh my little girl, you have done far fucking worse... oh but I never judged you... However you are a hypocrite, so in a way I guess that makes this all fit together... But if you really do want to get shit started, how about you grow some balls and tell me to my face... because you obviously don't know who you are messing with...




thank you and have a nice day... ;)
 
 
 
 
 
 
I don't even know where to start... lol hmmm lets see... there was...
*the take action tour...
*me and jen's party at her house where we decided to freak out and call everyone in berea... lol
*jen went on sb and then a shit ton of drama went down when i decided to... poor jen lol...
*random ass party the day b4 sb w/ my loverly first clay boys... lol tin foil, alcohol, a hugemongous shirt, a snowball fight and everything... it was sweet as hell...
*spring break in panama city**crossing fingers i dont end up on some girls gone wild special**
*good friday pt 2.--) kind of dissapointing... took care of jen... yelled at Evan a lot... grrrr...
*delta sigma phi(the sigs) Boat formal on a yacht in louisville... fun ass times...i<3 those boys...
*a total of 5 hours of sleep in the last 64 hours... 7 papers, 2 presentations, 10 chapters of french, 2 movie reviews, and 3 finals... AHHHHHHHH... still goin strong...
*2 loverly allnighters w/ the roomie... lol we just get more work done... lol... and my adderall helps...
*random ass shaving cream, "tag"(the cheap ass version of axe), cleaning supplies, and who knows what else... oh did i mention i almost fell on my ass on the shaving gel, after trying to escape the room and not get caught after curfew... lol i laughed... and this morning they saw a random foot print and were confused... but don't u worry i filled them in... lol
*phi mu formal this saturday... wonder how that will go...
*finals week next week... mixed with two awesome ass concerts w/ jenny poop...

*people have been annoying the shit outta me lately... make annoying people go away...
<3
 
 
 
 
 
 
well its been a long ass time since i have updated so i figured i would share some new information. Well last week I was in Panama City... Our hotel was right on the beach beside club la vela and we were like 100 ft from MTV... which was awesome as hell... there was a lot of drinking... and st. patty's day was AWESOME!!! i hope i didn't end up on girls gone wild... lol lets just say there was a stage... money ended up in my pocket and i don't know how it got there... i ended up w/ lots of beads... and we had free beer... yay... lol i was a bit drunk... lol well we finially got back to school and i saw everyone... then bad news fell upon the small town of berea again... One of my friends passed away from cancer... she was graduating this year... i miss her a lot... this is our 5th death within the last 5 years i think, of someone that went to berea community, who was within 2 years of my grade... keep in mind berea community's k-12 has around 1200 students, our highschool has around 350, and my graduating class had around 63... we are a pretty close knit group... so it's hard each and every time... guhh i hate this... well i came home this weekend and went to the visitation friday night... I was fine untill her dad hugged me and then i started bawling, which made it worse cuz i don't cry... well we went back to jens and had a gathering... and yeah... saturday we woke up and I couldnt bring myself to go to the funeral, I don't know why... I just couldnt...
well tonight we went over to michelles and hung out some and now i am back here... guh... what a long ass weekend...

**Sara Kennedy December 13, 1986- March 23, 2005**
i <3 u..
 
 
 
 
 
 
yay yay concert last night... it was fun times... well apparentely i am a slowass so me and john didnt get up to jens till 6ish... she was wiggin out hardcore... well we all piled into the van and headed to bogarts w/ shaner... it started snowing and we waited outside in the snow... it was greatt times... i had like perminate T. H. O. it was hot... lol well well from first to last played first, followed by the matches, then motion city soundtrack, then matchbook romance... we were in the center in the second row and i was behind some major short people... but it was fun times... we rocked out to hte matches and just started randomly dancing... people were lookin at us weird... omg matchbook romance was the greatest... yay me, jen, and shaner were rocking out hardcore... haha i laughed a lot and we were gettin a bunch of evil looks... well we headed back to jens... i took a shower... we all talked while jen prepared her speech... we went to visit ayla so she could see the tattoo... we went to bed around 2... stupid snow plows came by jens apt and woke us up at the buttcrack of dawn... we said our goodbyes and me and john left around 10:15 to head back to the great lex city... now i'm at work... blah... i need a nap...